You want to speed it up and slow it down. You want them to be grown ups and babies at the same time. The things that drive you insane are the things you know you’ll miss the most. You want a break but you miss them on the break. You want to cry because you are so broken, but you want to happy cry because you’re so whole. You lose yourself and find yourself almost every day. You have no idea what you’re doing, but you know you’re doing exactly that you’re supposed to be doing. It’ just the way it is. So cheers to all the mums in all the phases, with all the feelings. You’re not alone — @catandnat —

Those words above are all true, all of them are what I am feeling at the moment. It’s kind of mixed feelings. On one side I’m happy that they’re grown up enough now that they can do some stuff without me having to supervise them all the time. Another side, I’m always worried if they do wrong things. I always have questions mark their whereabouts, motivations, intentions, etc, etc. I don’t trust them 100%, to be honest. Because boys will be boys, they never grow up, sorry to say πŸ˜›

When they were little as a parent I always told them to be polite, to have manners, to speak up, and I wanted them to be independent capable boys. Funnily enough, now that they become an independent young adult, I am worried so much and wish that they’re still little. Crazy, maybe is it just me? Because I feel like I don’t have control over them anymore. Still have some, but I feel it slowly fades away… Because now they become their own-self. As a mother, I always want to protect them, to fix things for them. I realize too, that they need to learn from their mistakes, although it’s painful to see them making mistake by mistake. But, apparently, that’s the way to adulting.

I don’t have a daughter so I often wonder if a girl is easier than a boy? Is the worried the same as having a son? Especially at this stage when they’re not mature enough but no more a kid. Are girls easy to tame than boys?

Motherhood to teenage boys is so weird for me. One minute I feel like I can strangle them, one minute I feel like I want to cuddle them, nourish and give all my love for them. One minute I feel so angry at them but then I feel calm. This is like a new phase for me. Learning to understand where they come from or from their point of view (which is just having fun with no concept of other aspects of life). Learn to let go little by little, to let them make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from their mistakes. Someday I feel like this is so hard I can’t handle it. Someday I feel, whatever happens, happens. I have tried my best, I’m praying all the time for them. If they wanna be wild then so be it. I don’t really know. Or this is karma from my life when I was young and stupid too. I think I was partying hard when I was in college and in the working era.

I supposed it was a different time when I was a teenager like my boys. Completely different culture and raised. There were no “Leavers” at my time. When I graduated from high school, I was busy applying for college/uni straight away. My ” Leavers” was just gathering at a friend’s house and her mother cooked us a big bowl of fried noodles! Now I had to be faced with this leaver thingy and heard so many “horror” stories about that. Drugs, alcohol, and sex, to be honest, were my main nightmare for Leavers. I really wish they didn’t go, but they did and they came back safe and sound, no dramas! I so thanked the Almighty God for keeping my boys and their friends safe during those five days Leavers. Phewww, it was a big relief for all of us – the mothers.

I guess the new chapter now is learning to live life with half adults, not yet fully grown men but not kids anymore. And I think it will be a challenge! I wish there was a “manual” kinda book – how to live with your teen boys and handle them wisely and keep parents stay sane – If any of you readers know about that kind of book, let me know, please! πŸ™πŸ»

Til next!

2 responses to “adulting”

  1. Whenever I read your story about the boys, somehow I feel that’s my future with my boys πŸ˜„ as if in cinema; I’m holding on tight to my seat, and trying to enjoy the popcorn to hide the worries.
    I think you raised them up well mba Ria, though it will be a never ending worries journey for parents.


    1. You can relate ya Din, as you have two boys too. This is a new phase of my motherhood journey I suppose. Sometimes I worry too much. It’s a different journey as when they were toddler, pre-teen and teen. They gonna be 18 soon in couple months, considered as fully grown up in western country 😝

      Liked by 1 person

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